Missing my meetings

I’m missing my meetings. Sure, there are online meetings available, but they’re not the same. It’s much better to be face to face with people. It means more.

I can feel myself slipping. I’m trying to keep doing the steps, but it’s hard when my weight isn’t dropping and I’m not seeing any results. I’m going to try bringing in portion control to see if that helps. But it’s just hard at the moment, probably because we’re in lockdown at the moment.

I’ve had a couple of slips. Nothing too major, but enough to make me stop and take pause. And think about it.

I’ll be at the online meeting tonight, and hopefully that will help.


Monday 30 August 2021… another week of lockdown

We’re in level 3 of lockdown, which is basically full lockdown with takeaway food. Not exciting.

I’m doing well with my food, but not losing any weight. I think that’s due to the fact that I’m drinking a lot. So much so that I may have to quit to actually get my weight coming down.

But I’m not snacking much at all any more. The “one day at a time” thing really helps me. I’m still eating quite big meals, so I may need to start thinking about portions, but for now I’m happy with where I’m headed.

I’m going to start tracking my food, and just reducing my portions a bit. Clear space between items on my plate, that sort of thing.

I’m also going to start doing daily walks. With the lockdown I’m getting minimal exercise, so I need to improve there.

Finally, I’m quitting diet soft drink. It’s not good for me anyway, and it’s expensive, so time to quit. I’ve struggled with my addiction to Pepsi Max for years, but I think I just need to go cold turkey. I’ll buy Matt cans of it instead, and that way I should be able to avoid going near the stuff. I’m done with it.

I’ll head out for a walk in a sec. Just waiting to dry my hair. It’s quite cold outside still (winter in New Zealand) and I don’t want to catch a cold.

So that’s my news – I’m going abstinent from soft drink, and I’m going to exercise and watch my portions.

I can do this.

Inmates update

We’re all still in home detention at the moment – I guess ankle bracelets will be next!

Life isn’t bad, OA-wise. I’m still managing to keep away from chocolate, but have been drinking a fair bit over the lockdown. New Zealand will be a country of alcoholics when we’re done with all this nonsense.

Not much to report. I think I’m still losing weight, but my guess is it would be slowly, as I’m pretty much housebound. I’m also theoretically working from home, but there’s so little to do that most of my day is empty.

I think everyone just wants life back to normal. But I can’t help thinking as long as people are compliant, things will keep getting worse. This is a dictator’s wet dream. Think about it: someone who was never elected being able to put an entire population in jail (in effect) with no recourse and no debate. They’ve even suspended parliament.

I always wondered how 1930s Germany happened. Now I know. It was people just going along with whatever the person in charge wanted.

I feel like freedom is being snuffed out in the world.

Wednesday 25 August 2021… Start of second week in lockdown

We’ve started our second week in lockdown, to deal with the ZERO cases of covid in the south island.

This is literally insane.

There will be a point at which we all realize that you can’t get rid of covid, any more than you can get rid of the flu. Or herpes 😁

Does the vaccine work? Of course not. There’s lots of data coming out now that vaccinated people can still pass the virus on… And, as we know, it only takes ZERO cases to lock the south island down.

We’ll never see an end to this thing. Not while Ardern is in charge. It’s the only reason she got into power, after all.

Apparently now anyone who doesn’t believe everything the government tells us is a “conspiracy theorist”.

I guess that’s what I am then. Because I don’t believe about 90% of what comes out of Ardern’s mouth. My general rule is never trust a politician and I’ve never been disappointed yet as a result of that.

In other news, my eating is going well, one day at a time. I haven’t binged, and I’m not thinking about food so much already.

I’m also losing weight…and nearly lost my wedding ring yesterday at the supermarket when it slipped off. It fell into a shopping bag but luckily I found it after a huge search running around the shop in panic. People were looking at me as I’m generally the only person there without a mask (I have an exemption).

Anyway, now I’m wearing my ring on my biggest finger. It’s not correct, but at least I shouldn’t lose it again.

It’s good I’m losing weight, but not so good that my wedding ring is now too big!

I’m liking OA. I can see how it works, and see how it is effective. There’s support and accountability, and it creates structure to deal with chaotic eating.

Also, when we admit we are powerless over food (the first step), is actually makes things better. You have to accept you have a problem before you can fix it – so step one is accepting the problem exists.

This sounds too basic to make a difference, but it does make a difference. Up until now, I’ve always figured I can fix this. Of course I can. It’s just an issue with chocolate.

But I couldn’t deal with it. Not by myself. I needed help.

I also didn’t realize it’s not about the food. It was never about the food. I thought it was about the food. It wasn’t. I now recognize (or am starting to) that it’s about everything from the neck up, not the neck down. And not about the food!

I think I’m ready to work the second step. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to continue to work the first step, but I’m feeling positive enough to work on.

I have plenty of time to think about all this. Maybe lockdown is good for something after all!

Monday 23 August 2021 – Day 6 of a three day lockdown

I’m doing okay at home, with my eating. Despite being in lockdown for nearly a week, I have been managing okay, and only had one slip. I’m certainly doing way better than I would have been without OA.

The big news of today in COVID is that the Pfizer vaccine only lasts for four months with any sort of efficacy. That’s just great for New Zealand, as it’s taken us more than that to get a quarter of the population done with jab #1.

In other words, this is going to keep on for a loooong time. Don’t expect a return to normalcy any time soon.

So the question that needs to be asked by critical thinkers is: if the vaccine doesn’t stop the virus spreading (which it doesn’t) and only lasts four months anyway, what’s the point of bothering with it?

And why are governments pushing the vax so hard? Who is making money from all this – apart from the billionaires?

I’m already reading in the news that yet more small businesses won’t be able to survive this lockdown.

Anyway, enough of all that. OA is going well, and I’m looking forward to doing another online meeting sometime today. This time I’ll use my computer instead of my aging, dying phone though!

Mandatory masks and scanning in

The New Zealand government has just made masks mandatory, and same with scanning in.

Naturally, I do not own a mask. Or a phone that will scan.

I guess that means I won’t be doing either.

Why isn’t anyone asking – what happened to our freedoms?

I guess they’re gone now. How easily we slip into communism 😦

Sunday 22 August 2021…

I feel like this blog must be getting monotonous. Because literally nothing is happening in my life, thanks to the lockdown.

People are starting to get really pissed at the government. There are good questions the people want answers to that the government isn’t providing. Such as:

  • How did COVID get into New Zealand? We have the biggest moat in the world, and a theoretically sound quarantine system. So how?
  • Why do people who have had the vax still have to isolate and wear masks?
  • Why are we putting up with this shit?

I don’t understand compliant, obedient people who are doing everything they’re told to do.

I went for a walk this morning, and saw a woman in her own home through a window, wearing a mask. I shit you not. Like, how dumb are these people?

I also saw several people out walking dogs, by themselves, wearing masks.

All this shit is unconscionable. The population are scared stiff by all the propaganda, convinced they’re all going to die from a disease which, according to Worldometer, has a 0.09% fatality rate.

This is all about control. Now the government are saying that even vaccinated people have to wear masks and isolate. So what’s the point of getting jabbed? (Hint: there isn’t one).

I didn’t mean for this post to turn into a rant. But I’m angry. Everyone should be angry.

And those that are angry are not angry enough yet.

Lockdown Day 4…the saga continues…

It’s lockdown Day 4 here in New Zealand, and we’re all pretty bored. The excitement of the day is my husband going up to the supermarket to get a few things – that’s how great it is.

I’m tempted to start going for walks every day. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. I used to be a keen and regular walker, but it has dropped off as the weight has come on. I need to get back into the habit.

Not much news. I went to my first online meeting today. It was good. I’m glad I went. I’ll get more familiar with how the online meetings work and go to one every day during lockdown I think, just to get some structure into my life.

My eating is going well. Had a semi-binge yesterday – my husband made pancakes yesterday and I had five.

Okay, maybe not a semi binge. Despite that, my eating is getting more structured, and the binges are definitely fewer. But I’m definitely still a work in progress.

I did my weekly weigh in this morning. I’ve gone up, by .8 kg. I actually don’t understand why, as my eating has improved and snacking and junk food have stopped. So I’m going to chalk it up to being an anomaly. And I figure it will drop next week.

It’s also odd, as my jeans are fitting better. Maybe the scales are dodgy? I don’t know, but I’ll keep on doing what I’m doing, in the hope that next week will see an improvement.

One day at a time…one day at a time…

I’m still waiting to really grok the steps of OA. I’m in, but still familiarizing myself with it all. So definitely still in the “newbie” category. But I’ll keep doing what I’m supposed to do, and hopefully I’ll have that flash, that moment in which everything starts to fit together.

My clothes are fitting better already, which is great. I’m no longer worried that my jeans will split when I put them on!

I’m trying to think of what I might like to wear when I reach a healthy weight. That seems so elusive, yet so many members of OA seem to achieve it. So why not me too? I want what they have. I want to find health and freedom. I want to be healed.

So I’ll keep writing, and keep attending, and hopefully I’ll find my path forward.

Weight loss

I know OA doesn’t focus on weight loss, and I tend to focus on it way too much.

This morning, my jeans felt quite a bit looser, and I would have loved to weigh in. But I’m not going to – not until Saturday morning, which is another two days away.

The trouble with being obsessed by the scale is that when things don’t go well, it has caused me to binge in the past. Actually, things going well has also pushed me to binging. I binge because I haven’t lost weight and I’m upset, and I binge when I have lost weight and I feel powerful.

Then there’s the weird, insane behavior around the weigh ins. I have made sure I go to the loo first in the past before I step on the scale, and I won’t have my morning glass of water until after I’ve weighed in. This doesn’t make sense. Of course my weight loss will fluctuate according to what I eat and drink. I just shouldn’t let it sway my behavior at all.

So from now on its once a week only. On Saturday mornings. At 10 or thereabouts.

Repeat after me: my weight is just a number. Because it is just a number. It will fluctuate. Some weeks it will go up. It might even go up on good weeks, just because I’m retaining water or something. I don’t know. My body is not a machine. Of course there will be deviations.

I guess the truth is that I really really want that number to drop. I want to change. I want to see improvement. I want to stop being overweight. I want to be healthy.

And I guess I feel that the sooner change happens, the better. I want to start living the benefits of my new, happier life.

But when I think about it, I’m already living the benefits of my new, happier life.

My weight – my number on the scale – is a result of change, not the cause of change. I make the changes, then the numbers go down, not the other way around.

My numbers will drop. I have to be sure of that. I work the program, and my numbers will drop.

I also need to resign myself to this taking a while. It will be a while until I’m at my goal weight. I’m figuring it will take me at least a year, possibly longer. I didn’t gain all this extra weight overnight, and it won’t disappear overnight either.

My first goal is about 5 kgs away. Which will be a good couple of months. I’ll celebrate, but not with food.

Instead, I’ll celebrate by going away for a weekend, or getting a massage. Or both. One of the things I really like to do is go away for weekends down south. I stay in nice hotels and I relax. I go for walks and drives, and enjoy life. Te Anau is one of my favorites – the lake is beautiful and there are lots of nice walks.

The “end of the road” in Bluff, New Zealand

I think I’ll go to Te Anau when I reach my first goal. I’ll get outside, walk, and be free and happy.

Just another day in lockdown…woah woah…

Can’t help thinking of the Bangles “Manic Monday”:

It’s just another day in lockdown
I wish it would stop now
Because I’m bored now
The kids are being so loud
It’s just another day in lockdown

I’m sure someone out there could do a better job than me.

Yep, it’s Day 2 of our second lockdown here in Dunedin New Zealand. Our government has no plan and no path forward, and the idiots are panicking (again) because of one case on a different island from here.

This is the virus that’s so dangerous you have to be tested to know if you have it.

What can I say? People will believe anything.

Here’s a few of the bigger logical inconsistencies:

  • Vaccines work…but even if you’re vaccinated you can still catch it
  • Delta is dangerous enough to lock down the entire country over one case…but you need a test to know if you have it
  • Masks work… but people who are masked are still catching and passing it on in equal percentages as the unmasked
  • Delta is deadly…but precisely zero people have died from it that did not have severe comorbidities or extreme old age
  • The lockdown is to stop the virus…except cases are highest in countries that have locked down most severely and for longest
  • Delta is the deadliest covid yet… except every single coronavirus that we know of does that standard thing of becoming less dangerous as it becomes more transmissive.
  • The lockdowns are not about control and fear… except that’s precisely what they’re about.

I can’t help being logical. It’s in my makeup. When someone tells me to do something, my first thought is to question why. And when it comes to people in positions in power who stand to gain a huge amount with their actions, I’m even more dubious.

I take health and safety seriously. And if I thought all these rules and regulations and lockdowns and mandates made any sense at all, I’d be all over it.

But they don’t, so I’m not.

It makes sense that someone who is sickly would be worried. Likewise people who are very old.

But there is no evidence at all that this virus is dangerous to any of the rest of us.

But you know what is dangerous? People losing their homes, their jobs, their businesses and their freedoms, and all the mental and physical costs associated with all this nonsense.

It’s time to just stop.

18 days of abstinence

I’m coming up on 3 weeks of abstinence. I’m currently on Day 18. I’ve had a couple of slips, but I’m not going to let them stop me.

In these few days, I’ve started to identify my triggers. They include being alone at home and chocolate. In fact, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to eat chocolate again. I just can’t control it when I do. I used to joke that chocolate was one of the five food groups for me. It was pretty true. I think more of my calories came from chocolate than fruit and vegetables, at any rate.

Today has been a good day again so far. I’ve had a bowl of oats and one toasted cheese and sweet corn sandwich. Oh, and a chai latte. I’m content.

As time goes on, I’m finding myself thinking less and less about food. I’m even going the whole morning or afternoon without thinking about food sometimes. Maybe I do stand a chance of making this work.

I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. Going to meetings, keeping this blog and maintaining abstinence.

I’m feeling positive 😁

Step 1: Powerless over food

Step 1 says “We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Step 1 wasn’t as difficult for me to understand as you would imagine. I’ve known for a long time that I’m powerless over food. When someone asks “Would you like..?” my answer is invariably “Yes please!”

I felt like I couldn’t say no, and my husband (who is also battling a weight problem) and I were culprits for feeding each other, undermining each other’s resolve to eat sensibly and generally being each other’s worst enemies.

However, knowing you’re powerless over food and accepting you’re powerless over food are two very different things.

I always thought I could manage it, that it was just a matter of finding the right diet, and that all I needed was more willpower. Lurking at the back of all this was the suspicion that I was powerless, but I never accepted it. Surely a capable person such as me could get a handle on my eating! Other people did! Why not me?

I realize now that I was never going to get a handle on it by myself. I needed help. OA is that help.

I can be healed, but I can’t be cured.

The acceptance is coming. I’m on my way now.