I know OA doesn’t focus on weight loss, and I tend to focus on it way too much.

This morning, my jeans felt quite a bit looser, and I would have loved to weigh in. But I’m not going to – not until Saturday morning, which is another two days away.

The trouble with being obsessed by the scale is that when things don’t go well, it has caused me to binge in the past. Actually, things going well has also pushed me to binging. I binge because I haven’t lost weight and I’m upset, and I binge when I have lost weight and I feel powerful.

Then there’s the weird, insane behavior around the weigh ins. I have made sure I go to the loo first in the past before I step on the scale, and I won’t have my morning glass of water until after I’ve weighed in. This doesn’t make sense. Of course my weight loss will fluctuate according to what I eat and drink. I just shouldn’t let it sway my behavior at all.

So from now on its once a week only. On Saturday mornings. At 10 or thereabouts.

Repeat after me: my weight is just a number. Because it is just a number. It will fluctuate. Some weeks it will go up. It might even go up on good weeks, just because I’m retaining water or something. I don’t know. My body is not a machine. Of course there will be deviations.

I guess the truth is that I really really want that number to drop. I want to change. I want to see improvement. I want to stop being overweight. I want to be healthy.

And I guess I feel that the sooner change happens, the better. I want to start living the benefits of my new, happier life.

But when I think about it, I’m already living the benefits of my new, happier life.

My weight – my number on the scale – is a result of change, not the cause of change. I make the changes, then the numbers go down, not the other way around.

My numbers will drop. I have to be sure of that. I work the program, and my numbers will drop.

I also need to resign myself to this taking a while. It will be a while until I’m at my goal weight. I’m figuring it will take me at least a year, possibly longer. I didn’t gain all this extra weight overnight, and it won’t disappear overnight either.

My first goal is about 5 kgs away. Which will be a good couple of months. I’ll celebrate, but not with food.

Instead, I’ll celebrate by going away for a weekend, or getting a massage. Or both. One of the things I really like to do is go away for weekends down south. I stay in nice hotels and I relax. I go for walks and drives, and enjoy life. Te Anau is one of my favorites – the lake is beautiful and there are lots of nice walks.

The “end of the road” in Bluff, New Zealand

I think I’ll go to Te Anau when I reach my first goal. I’ll get outside, walk, and be free and happy.