My goals…

My goals:

  • To attend OA every single week
  • To work the 12 steps, familiarizing myself with them
  • To read OA literature, and gain understanding of this disease
  • To take life one day at a time, and focus on eating a healthy and balanced diet
  • To eat moderate portions
  • To incorporate exercise into my life, starting to walk every day

Odd, but none of the goals up above mention scales or my weight.

That’s new 😁

Thing is, the more I learn about this disease, the more I realize it’s not about my weight. It’s about my mind. And my happiness.

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My clothes are getting looser

Despite today’s slip, I’ve noticed that my clothes are starting to feel looser.

A couple of weeks ago, when I started OA, my jeans were so tight I could barely do them up.

Today they felt better. Still tight, but no longer likely to split.

The weather is starting to get better. I think I’m going to start walking more, and start walking home at nights. I live up a HUGE hill and it won’t be easy, but if I start gently, I can do it. And I know it will get easier every time I do it. I want to regain my fitness.

So yes, despite today’s slip, I feel like OA is definitely helping, more than any diet ever has.

That’s odd, when I think about it. After all, we don’t talk about food and diets at OA. We talk about feelings. Really messy stuff.

That helps, because when we share I am reminded that I’m not alone in this. The other women there are going through it too, or have gone through it. I don’t feel so lonely in this disease. I feel like, with support, I may be able to get better.

I’m not in this for the short term. I don’t want to lose weight only to regain it a year down the track. I want to get healthy, and keep the weight off. OA will become a permanent part of my life.

I still haven’t faced the scales yet. I used to weigh in every Thursday. Tomorrow is Thursday. I’m just not sure if I’m ready yet. I’m not sure I can face the numbers.

That’s what I should weigh, above. And I don’t have to see the numbers on the dial to know I’m a long way off those figures.

I don’t even know if I can do it. I know I certainly can’t do it alone.

That’s where OA comes in. They say that with God all things are possible but I’m not a churchgoer. I’m certainly giving this my all-in. I want to change. I want to get better. I want to get healthy.

It might take a couple of years. I don’t mind. This problem of mine with food didn’t happen overnight. It’ll take a while to fix.

But I do believe that I can get better.

Wednesday 11 August 2021

I didn’t have a great day today.

On Wednesdays we have morning tea. Today was biscuits and ginger slice. I had two biscuits and a piece of ginger slice with everyone at morning tea, then I grabbed another piece of ginger slice in the afternoon.

I can’t control myself when that stuff is there, staring me in the face. I don’t know how other people do.

Today wasn’t that bad, really, but it felt like a slip. It felt like out of control eating.

I’ve been going so well up until now, but I guess I can’t expect to change perfectly overnight. It will take time to fix my eating.

What I don’t want to do is turn a slip into a landslide. That has often happened in the past. I’ve done the whole well I’ve buggered it up now so I may as well keep eating…in for a penny in for a pound kind of thinking.

I’ll accept I made a slip, and I’ll move on.

I can get better.

Tuesday 10 August 2021 – starting to gain control

I’m starting to gain control over my eating.

That suggestion from one of the OA members that I write down what I intend to eat in one column and what I actually eat in a second column is useful. I did it yesterday and it helps me to be fully accountable without being judgemental.

Thinking of food a day at a time also helps. Yesterday I was really tempted to buy some chocolate or junk food when I was out driving with my stepson (I’m teaching him to drive and we stopped at the supermarket), but I thought I only have to do it this one day at a time and that helped me work through it.

In other news, my jeans are getting more comfortable. I got to the stage last week when I really didn’t fit my clothes any more, and things were getting fire. Now they’re back to being comfortable again. Still tight, but comfortable.

I haven’t gone on the scales yet. I know I need to. I’m just nervous. I’m worried what they will say. I know it’s just a number, but I’m still worried. I’ll work through the fear, but for now I’m still avoiding the scales. It’s not sensible, but it’s how I feel about seeing absolute numbers on the scale. I’m just not ready for that yet.

I actually said no to chocolate yesterday at work. I was very proud of that – it’s not easy for me to do.

Yesterday I was still hungry after eating lunch, so I had a tin of tuna (unplanned). Today I’m hoping to counter that by just having a few more oats for lunch. Hopefully I won’t need a snack as a result.

So here’s what I intended to eat yesterday:

  • Oats
  • Chai latte
  • Fish
  • Cooked slaw with mustard
  • Second chai latte

I also had these unplanned items:

  • Tin tuna
  • Caramel latte
  • Muesli bar
  • Onions x 2 (cooked with slaw)
  • 1/2 small steak
  • 2 pieces biltong

Despite all the unplanned eating, I’d call yesterday a good day. Nothing I ate was outrageous, and I didn’t binge at all. Plus, I said no to chocolate, and didn’t grab any at the supermarket 😁

Today I’ll try to do a little better. I’ll avoid snackage after lunch, and I’ll make sure I eat earlier for dinner, so I don’t have anything that’s unnecessary. Here’s hoping I can stick to it.

It’s just a day at a time, after all 😊

Monday 9 August 2021 – Learning accountability

I’ve decided to do as one of the ladies at OA suggests, which is keeping track of what I intend to eat versus what I actually eat.

I’m using my diary, just drawing a line down the middle of the page.

This isn’t about changing much yet. It’s more about opening my eyes to what I eat on a daily basis. Once I learn that I can start to figure out what I actually eat and what I can do to change things.

First 12 Days in OA – Day 12 (Sunday 7 August 2021)

11. What next?

Write about your experience of your first 12 days in OA and discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor.

Agree to either continue the relationship, or maintain contact until you find an ongoing sponsor.

Also, you might find it helpful to go to www.oa.org and investigate what this website offers.

My first 12 days have been good. I’m starting to learn accountability and learn about the problem I have with food.

I haven’t got a sponsor yet, and I’m not really sure how to go about asking. But I will ask at my next meeting.

I’m going to stick with OA. I think it can help me.

Another meeting today

I’ve got another OA meeting today in a couple of hours.

I’m looking forward to it, which surprises me.

I’ve also done a lot of self reflection over the past week or so, and realised I need structure in my life with food.

I don’t think just ruling certain foods out will work for me, as there are too many exceptions where I won’t be able to resist, like food available at work and baking with kids. I could say no for a bit, but I know I’d eventually weaken and go crazy.

So I’m going to try two meals a day, with no seconds.

How that would look: I have my oats for lunch every day, but on Wednesdays when we have morning tea I have that instead of lunch.

In other words, structured moderation.

And yes, I am going to start weighing myself. Just once a week. Every week.

I’m just scared of getting on the scales right now. I don’t want to know what it says. Which is crazy, because the number – good or bad – isn’t going to change my reality of being overweight.

So that’s my challenges for this week: try to structure my meals, and to get on the scales.

I’ll talk about this at the group, and see what people say.

I also want to ask what has worked for them. It might work for me.

First 12 Days in OA – Saturday 6 August 2021

Today is Day 11.

11. Welcome home!” Read this section on pages 27-30.

Write about three key points that stand out for you. Discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor.

There are actually a whole lot more than three points that hit home.

It’s really hard to admit you have a problem with food. Sure, we do live in a toxic food environment, but the problem is me.

I have a problem with food.

I can say it’s this or that but laying the problem outside of myself isn’t helpful.

What is helpful is finding others who understand, getting support, and working through the issues I face.

I had a small success today…

I actually took a bag of chocolate I’d put in my shopping basket back on the shelf at the supermarket.

I actually stopped, thought about it, and realised I didn’t need the chocolate.

Then I headed back to work for lunch, and had my oats.

I know it’s only a little thing, but all those little things add up. And if I can do the good thing once, I can do it again.

I’m almost feeling ready to step back on the scales right now. Almost…

Maybe I stand a chance, after all.

First 12 Days in OA – Friday 5 August 2021 (second post)

10. OA fellowship: Read the section “You are not alone” pages 2-3, as well as pages 21-23.

Write about your feelings around getting help from other members in OA. Discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor. You may also want to start ringing some of the other members who wrote their names down.

I think the thing about overeating is that it’s a very lonely disease. We eat in secret. Those of us who binge or purge do that in secret too.

It’s hard to share that you have a problem. In this world we’re not meant to be addicts. As a wife and mother, I’m meant to be there for my family – for others. I’m not meant to need help myself.

What I’m liking about OA is I can talk openly about my problem. The members don’t judge, because they’ve been there themselves. They understand.

I’m happy to ask for all the help I need, but it’s not easy. Opening up about stuff that has always been closed off is difficult. I’m not used to talking to groups either.

I want to get better. I know I’m at the very start of my journey, and can’t expect to get better overnight.

However, I do feel like I’m on the right track. I’m starting to believe I can get better. I’ll need help, but I can do it.

First 12 Days in OA – Friday 5 August 2021

I’ve missed a couple of days from being sick. So here’s the catch up.

9. Higher Power: Again refer to “Frequently asked questions and answers” (pages 18-26).

Write about your understanding of a higher power.

If you struggle with this, are you open to God standing for “G.O.D – Good Orderly Direction”?

Are you able to use this concept to help your recovery? Discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor.

This is a tough one for me. My logic brain clashes with my gut brain, and it’s not easy.

There’s also the issue of not really liking what goes on in so many churches. I don’t like the money side of it, and I don’t like the way the churches seem afraid to criticize anything that is politically correct.

But God, yes, I believe.

Am I willing to trust in God for my recovery? I’d like to say yes, but for various personal reasons, I don’t think God is particularly concerned with me or my wellbeing.

So I’ll trust in the goodwill of the group for now. Maybe I’ll learn to trust God for my recovery. But it will take time.

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