I’ve got another OA meeting today in a couple of hours.

I’m looking forward to it, which surprises me.

I’ve also done a lot of self reflection over the past week or so, and realised I need structure in my life with food.

I don’t think just ruling certain foods out will work for me, as there are too many exceptions where I won’t be able to resist, like food available at work and baking with kids. I could say no for a bit, but I know I’d eventually weaken and go crazy.

So I’m going to try two meals a day, with no seconds.

How that would look: I have my oats for lunch every day, but on Wednesdays when we have morning tea I have that instead of lunch.

In other words, structured moderation.

And yes, I am going to start weighing myself. Just once a week. Every week.

I’m just scared of getting on the scales right now. I don’t want to know what it says. Which is crazy, because the number – good or bad – isn’t going to change my reality of being overweight.

So that’s my challenges for this week: try to structure my meals, and to get on the scales.

I’ll talk about this at the group, and see what people say.

I also want to ask what has worked for them. It might work for me.

Today is Day 11.

11. Welcome home!” Read this section on pages 27-30.

Write about three key points that stand out for you. Discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor.

There are actually a whole lot more than three points that hit home.

It’s really hard to admit you have a problem with food. Sure, we do live in a toxic food environment, but the problem is me.

I have a problem with food.

I can say it’s this or that but laying the problem outside of myself isn’t helpful.

What is helpful is finding others who understand, getting support, and working through the issues I face.

I actually took a bag of chocolate I’d put in my shopping basket back on the shelf at the supermarket.

I actually stopped, thought about it, and realised I didn’t need the chocolate.

Then I headed back to work for lunch, and had my oats.

I know it’s only a little thing, but all those little things add up. And if I can do the good thing once, I can do it again.

I’m almost feeling ready to step back on the scales right now. Almost…

Maybe I stand a chance, after all.

10. OA fellowship: Read the section “You are not alone” pages 2-3, as well as pages 21-23.

Write about your feelings around getting help from other members in OA. Discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor. You may also want to start ringing some of the other members who wrote their names down.

I think the thing about overeating is that it’s a very lonely disease. We eat in secret. Those of us who binge or purge do that in secret too.

It’s hard to share that you have a problem. In this world we’re not meant to be addicts. As a wife and mother, I’m meant to be there for my family – for others. I’m not meant to need help myself.

What I’m liking about OA is I can talk openly about my problem. The members don’t judge, because they’ve been there themselves. They understand.

I’m happy to ask for all the help I need, but it’s not easy. Opening up about stuff that has always been closed off is difficult. I’m not used to talking to groups either.

I want to get better. I know I’m at the very start of my journey, and can’t expect to get better overnight.

However, I do feel like I’m on the right track. I’m starting to believe I can get better. I’ll need help, but I can do it.

I’ve missed a couple of days from being sick. So here’s the catch up.

9. Higher Power: Again refer to “Frequently asked questions and answers” (pages 18-26).

Write about your understanding of a higher power.

If you struggle with this, are you open to God standing for “G.O.D – Good Orderly Direction”?

Are you able to use this concept to help your recovery? Discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor.

This is a tough one for me. My logic brain clashes with my gut brain, and it’s not easy.

There’s also the issue of not really liking what goes on in so many churches. I don’t like the money side of it, and I don’t like the way the churches seem afraid to criticize anything that is politically correct.

But God, yes, I believe.

Am I willing to trust in God for my recovery? I’d like to say yes, but for various personal reasons, I don’t think God is particularly concerned with me or my wellbeing.

So I’ll trust in the goodwill of the group for now. Maybe I’ll learn to trust God for my recovery. But it will take time.

Today wasn’t bad. So far…[cue ominous music]

I managed to control myself almost at morning tea at work, and just had one biscuit.

That’s an achievement for me. Normally I’d have had three or four, and be looking around for the next one.

I’m starting to think before I eat. Sounds obvious, right? But it hasn’t been obvious for me for a few years now, and I need to rethink everything I know to do with food.

I’m trying to understand the why of my food habits. That’s not an easy thing to do when you’re not exactly twenty any more.

I’m also asking for help, which is a new thing for me and definitely not something I find easy. My OA group – and my husband and kids – are with me. All I need to do is ask when the going gets tough.

I’m starting to realise that life is too hard to do it alone.

I had my third OA meeting tonight. It felt good, once again, to be able to talk freely about food issues with people who understand and are sympathetic.

In sharing time, I just blathered on. We’re supposed to stick to the topic, but I certainly didn’t do that! I’m not good at public speaking, and it’s kind of full on to share feelings and stuff that usually we never talk about.

I’m still working out why I do what I do, and why food is such a problem for me. When I binge, I don’t even know why I’m doing it. I see myself, almost as if I’m a bystander, watching myself. But I can’t seem to stop what I do.

Yet the people in my group really seem to have worked this stuff out. They’re not out of control with food like I am. I said to the group today that I’m worried I’ll fail. I don’t want to. But yes, I know I need help.

Thing is, overeating is a really common problem. I’m not alone. I’m probably in the majority of women, at any rate.

The difference is, I want to stop.

Are you convinced?: Read Frequently asked questions and answers pages 18-26.

Now that you’ve been in the program for a week and have taken some actions, are you convinced you are a compulsive overeater? Write your thoughts and feelings about this. Discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor.

Yes, I am a compulsive overeater. For example, last night after dinner I went and got 2 pieces of toast with garlic butter. Then followed that with 3 cookies. And two bags of lollies. And ice cream.

Thing is, I wasn’t even hungry. It’s like if I start eating I can’t seem to stop. It’s like a dam breaking – once I start it doesn’t seem to end easily.

I don’t even know why. But I definitely need some boundaries around food. I need control and I need help.

So hopefully OA will help. I don’t know what else to do.

APART FROM THE PROGRAM: I’m still feeling unwell. I’m at work again today but not really with it. I’m glad I don’t have much work and it’s quiet. I really wish I were back at home in bed.

I’ve got OA again tonight. Perhaps others can give me some answers regarding why I do what I do and how I can stop it.

Creating an action plan: Read the section Action Plan on page 6.

Create an action plan that will help support your abstinence and your emotional, spiritual and physical recovery. Discuss with your 12 Day Sponsor.

This section – and it is short – is all about implementing attainable actions that are necessary for our individual abstinence.

Family support: Part of my action plan will be talking to my husband when he gets back from up north. We’re both bad influences on each other, and need to work out strategies so we don’t influence each other in bad habits, but instead encourage new good habits.

Two meals a day: A big part of my action plan is having decided I will eat two meals a day, with no snacks. It doesn’t matter when I eat those meals, so it’s flexible, but no snacks.

Learn about portion control: I eat everything on my plate, regardless of how hungry I actually am. From now on I leave at least one bite, I slow down my eating with breaks in between mouthfuls. I’ll try to chew more thoroughly.

Drinking water as a default: Recently (the last few years) I’ve been drinking more and more Pepsi Max as a default drink. I want to reduce this to no more than one glass a day.

Attend OA every Tuesday, and as many weekends as possible: I’ll attend my meetings. I know I can do Tuesdays, and I’ll try to do Saturday 1 pm as well.

Find a Sponsor: I’ll try to find a Sponsor who will be there for my accountability when I need it. In time, if I’m able, I’ll sponsor someone else too.

So that’s my plan. I hope it makes sense as I’m not well at the moment – I came home sick from work today with a tummy bug and have just slept the entire day until now (it’s 3:30 pm). I hope I’m better tomorrow. It sucks to be unwell.